Unemployment — a white collar view

yitch
5 min readSep 21, 2020

The word that everyone dreads. It is a state where you find yourself and your time worthless (yet I still get so many darn requests for help in exchange for beer and food. My Kim Jung Un like tummy definitely conveys my wealth in junkfood land) Most of the time, this is a temporary state, however with covid19 I notice more friends who are increasingly getting worried about their dwindling savings and the possibility of re entering the job market.

There are innovative ways around unemployment: be born into money (for this you kinda need to speak with a literal higher authority, if anyone knows someone above I would like to be networked to them. My current priest seems to be too far from management).

Next available option in this lifetime, marry rich (in general more effective tactic for women aged between 18 to 22 that are able to find rich widowers as common urban legend and pop culture will have us believe. However increasingly I think this is also fading away)

This is essentially just keying in the cheat code and foregoing the game of life altogether. Not particularly fun.

So why all the doom and gloom with unemployment? People love plans. And they especially love when plans go according to plan (we all know how that works out). The convention is to get good grades, go to a good school, get a good job and work happily till you retire.

More realistic scenario: Study ridiculously hard, get mediocre grades (let’s assume you are gifted with average brains which the bell curve would dictate). Enter the workforce after begging and crying at the knees of HR and hiring managers to take you in (shamelessness is a skill. Often overlooked but useful when deployed right). Justify your existence every 12 months at the annual employee review. Live to work another day and wait till they put you out to pasture when you think that you have achieved so much in life with a fanciful title, a big house and a big car that likely all still belong to a bank.

FAQs (Frequently asked questions you really don’t need to ask)

The following is a list of the most asinine questions you can ever ask an unemployed person. To put into context, if you allowed yourself to be knocked down by a car travelling at 100km/h the first question is definitely not “How are you feeling?” The degree of stupidity is apparent I hope

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yitch

If you are enjoy a laugh at the expense of our corporate overlords, I hope my sense of humour is the cause