The moment we leave the safety of the walls of academia, relationships tend to extend beyond just family, friends and acquaintances. The dynamics of relationships take on an even more challenging and messy judgement criteria.
As a kid, the conditions of being friends just required proximity. Being in the same kindergarten resulted in an immediate bond between the individuals to form a friendship (longevity on the other hand is of course debatable and subject to the duration of memory formation in developing years). As years go by, the criteria for friendship would extend to speak the same language and have similar interests. Much of this would extend itself to the adult realm.
Perhaps I’m just slow (or have really low EQ as I am often told) so I needed a way to classify new relationships I have formed in the years after leaving school. On reflection, I would label them into 3 broad categories:
- Friends
- Colleagues
- Professional network
The binding factor of the 3 tends to look at the values of the individuals. Taking a deeper dive, the values would be made up of bubbles of context. Context would be broadly classified as consumption and means of consumption( i.e food, language, media). If the individuals have similar enough values, then they tend to stick together. (Like will attract like). Put simply if you are unable to communicate in the same language, it would be difficult to form a bond. If you are unable to share a simple meal together, it would be difficult to form a bond. If you do not have similar experiences growing up (a common context could be cartoons, I like Snoopy, most people may not have read nor watched the cartoons and have only seen the character as merchandise) then it is difficult to form a bond.
I needed a way to break down how relationships work. In general I think people are nice, but why do colleagues not get along, or friends will fall out. In essence the values are not aligned to begin with. There are circumstances where people will get together. A common goal. Look back at World War 2 and the Allies. Once the war was over, the communists and non communists broke up (and led to the cold war). A common goal can cover up a mismatch of values, but only temporarily.
The next item I wanted to look at was why do colleagues not always end up as friends? Would it not be easier to work in an environment where everyone was friendly with each other? Or conversely why is there the age old adage that friends should not do business together? My conclusion is that we use very different metrics to measure friends and colleagues. For friends, they are valued by their loyalty. In measurable terms, I would think this boils down to time spent together. And more importantly to defend the friend in times of need (this can include the situation of sending a drunk friend home. The drunkard is me on a few occasions). Colleagues on the other hand are measured by their competence and professionalism. Competence is the ability to do a job with little or no guidance or support. Professionalism is tiny things like not gossiping and going to meetings on time. (This is how I would define it)
The next group of people would be professional network. In essence they may not be your friends. They likely share very little in common in terms of values, however no man (or preferred gender identity) is an island. The metrics for the professional network tends to look at connectivity and help to connect to people through 2nd or 3rd degree to reach their intended goal. This group tends to take the most difficult balancing act. It greys the area between friendships and a favor debt accumulation. And when the debt of favors become too high, this tends the relationship tends to be written off and all subsequent communications are severed.
So that begs the question, are all adult relationships really that screwed up? Personally I hope not an I do not think so. The catalyst and lubricant that helps to bridge and graduate the relationships tend to be trust. (Assuming the values are aligned to begin with). As a colleague if you prove yourself to be competent and professional, you relationship could migrate to become friends at work. People from professional networks could migrate to become friends once again on the foundation of values and furthered by trust.
There are days I feel upset over how those I would deem as friends treat me as nothing more than a convenient node in a network or a pawn in their corporate struggles. But perhaps with a new model of looking at the world, I think my new labels and classification system would help me navigate working a bit more easily
